Thursday, September 13, 2012

what is - what is not



I’m not the mom I wanted to be. This all(ways)-embracing apron-mama…I’m not living the life I wanted to live…in the house I wanted to own…in the location I always dreamt of…I’m not the woman I thought I should and will become…I’m not writing what I wanted to write…
Savta (grandma) says: Treat your mornings as a time-off, a well-earned vacation from life after all those years of hard work (as much as being with two little ones most day can be considered as a vacation).  Enjoy your hibernation. I can’t, I reply. I don’t know how. I feel I waste my life. I’m lazy, useless. After all, I’m my mother’s daughter. The mom that always worked, even when we wanted her around. Always and still does, even when she is officially retired.
I suddenly recalled how all those years, when I was talking and writing about the Art of Living, the idea of Being instead of Doing, wishing I was a retiree, not understanding those who felt at-lose not working.  I’m just as sick as everyone else in this society, it dawned on me. I must learn to enjoy the hibernation.  Learn to get bored with dignity, i.e. without guilt. Taking ownership of my own time without looking for ways to justify it, but simply be there, at it.
Taking those short mornings to myself, without needing to fill it with important appointments or feeling bad about “wasting” it at a café or a flea markets.
“Treat it as a vacation,” an enforced sabbatical if you wish. I must remind myself. Everyday.

1 comment:

  1. I couldn't agree more. I feel so much more myself when I've spent a few free hours doing something just for me: reading, writing or just sitting outside and drinking tea, listening to the silence.

    Your thoughts on not being who you wanted to be are so profound. I think once we release all of the expectations we put on ourselves, we can become someone greater and probably very different than we set out to be.

    Great thoughts!

    Callie

    ReplyDelete