I’m not the mom I wanted to be. This all(ways)-embracing
apron-mama…I’m not living the life I wanted to live…in the house I wanted to
own…in the location I always dreamt of…I’m not the woman I thought I should and
will become…I’m not writing what I wanted to write…
Savta (grandma) says: Treat your mornings as a time-off, a well-earned
vacation from life after all those years of hard work (as much as being with
two little ones most day can be considered as a vacation). Enjoy your hibernation. I can’t, I reply. I
don’t know how. I feel I waste my life. I’m lazy, useless. After all, I’m my
mother’s daughter. The mom that always worked, even when we wanted her around. Always
and still does, even when she is officially retired.
I suddenly recalled how all those years, when I was talking and
writing about the Art of Living, the idea of Being instead of Doing, wishing I
was a retiree, not understanding those who felt at-lose not working. I’m just as sick as everyone else in this society,
it dawned on me. I must learn to enjoy the hibernation. Learn to get bored with dignity, i.e. without
guilt. Taking ownership of my own time without looking for ways to justify it,
but simply be there, at it.
Taking those short mornings to myself, without needing to
fill it with important appointments or feeling bad about “wasting” it at a café
or a flea markets.
“Treat it as a vacation,” an enforced sabbatical if you
wish. I must remind myself. Everyday.
I couldn't agree more. I feel so much more myself when I've spent a few free hours doing something just for me: reading, writing or just sitting outside and drinking tea, listening to the silence.
ReplyDeleteYour thoughts on not being who you wanted to be are so profound. I think once we release all of the expectations we put on ourselves, we can become someone greater and probably very different than we set out to be.
Great thoughts!
Callie