New Year Resolution and the idea of Being-in-Time

This up-coming New Year (which – according to the Jewish belief – is actually the World’s New Year as it represents the creation of the world itself)  I have decided not to decide,” resoluted” not to resolute.

I guess it is all part of being (in the) present, letting go, stop taking everything (myself included) so darn seriously.

I have noticed how everyone in the American culture I have resided myself in, is living in the future (or in the past) and thereby missing the actual Being, .e. the present of being present. In July people will already say “oh, I can’t believe how quickly summer went by” – notice: “went” – why?! Since when mid July represent that summer is over? By the end of August, just because there is no significant holiday coming soon, stores (and home-makers) already prepare themselves for Halloween, which is 3 months ahead! It can be 100 degrees outside and yet people will put autumn symbols on their front porch, more of a wishful thinking maybe, than as a sense of anxiety toward something lovely that is about to end.

Since  we often keep seeing our lives as a preparation for life, instead of understanding that this is it! Nothing is waiting for us around the next corner that is more promising than what we have – or don’t – right here and now. This can be very depressing of course, for many of us (today  - me included) and so we escape to a promising better future – which is of course healthier than keep blaming our past…

We keep shop for more and more things, objects, some of which we need, others we buy to define ourselves or better still – who we would love to be, others we buy solely for the sake of passing the time with which we don’t know what to do NOW, so the day passes at the store/s and we keep promising ourselves that tomorrow (is another day) we will do/exercise/write/clean/by nicer/calmer/happier.

Since I’m officially not working for 2 months, for the first time in many many years, I am moving from being so happy about loosing a job that stopped satisfying me anyway, embracing the open-ended possibilities, to being horrified that what if this is it? And that from now on I’m me, chasing a fleeting new-sense of self that never relaxes and satisfied, that never does anything admirable/appreciated, but rather passing her days in and out…mortified of that possible destiny I’m chasing lists of “what to do/learn/create/get” and of course end up exhausted just from seeing those mental lists . Days pass by and I didn’t learn how to knit/saw/paint/ make the perfect bread/improve my French/started some academic class/study group/gardening something! Anything! To justify me….

And so I have decided that for this new year I’m in, here, now. Not listing. Not deciding. Not afraid of not doing but being simply me, lazy, tired, bored.